The Codependency Trap
A codependency creates a sense of feeling powerless in a relationship. It cripples our self worth and makes it extremely difficult to progress with our goals and desires. We feel as though we need our partner but then resent them for being around. This creates a push and pull effect within the relationship. The impact here is emotional highs and lows, which exacerbates any trauma that comes up from unhealed past pain – and there is almost always trauma tied to a codependency. In some cases trauma bonding is the cause of a codependency. There is a big difference between wanting to be with your partner and having to be with your partner. When we become dependent upon something outside the self we continue to weaken our self worth due to the underline feeling of not being enough.
Relationships serve as a great mirror for reflecting the unconscious aspects within our self. We project our own unconscious pain and then blame our partner as the cause of it all. What we don’t see here is that our partner is only reflecting the pain that we already have within our self, from our own unconscious. It has nothing to do with our partner, it’s all a reflection of our own inner state. This is really universal, as anyone that triggers you is just reflecting the pain you already have within. We don’t ‘see’ this until we go deep within our self and do the inner work. Meditation and reflection (when practiced daily) help avoid our own projections as we become more mindful of our inner (unconscious) self. This helps us heal and release the pain so we no longer project it outwardly. When we are healed we might notice emotional triggers, but we no longer react to them.
Releasing the stories…
If we do not take the time to quiet our mind we continue to replay the old stories tied to our past pain. This replays our past experiences and creates separation in our relationships with others as well as ourselves. We think the cause of it all is due to another and don’t even realize how we are feeding this. Perhaps this is all a part of the codependency trap, or just the result of unconscious projections from unhealed pain. As we become mindful about this we no longer project from the pain and instead go into it. This allows for a complete healing from past trauma.
Anytime we come out of a relationship it’s important to take the time to reflect and heal. Through reflection I could see the trends with nearly all my relationships, back down to my childhood and my parents. I found that my partners reflected how I was treating myself, based on my own lack of self-love. I spent several years in a codependent relationship and it took me meditating 90 minutes a day to process and release things so I could stop feeding the cycle. Conflict in general takes energy from both ends to continue and when we are mindful of this we stop feeding it. Once I had this realization, conflict started to fade away and the relationship followed. It was as though conflict was the only thing keeping it alive. I am convinced that unless we heal we repeat similar experiences through different people.
One of the greatest lessons of failed relationships is that it brings us deep within our self, but we must be willing to embark on this journey of self love. This self-love is a genuine appreciation and acceptance of the self, it’s a feeling and not an intellectual idea or egoic construct. It’s beyond the ego and in my opinion a key component for self-realization. The beauty of doing this inner work is that our life begins to reflect it. For example, an individual that has a high self-esteem does not align with one that does not. Emotional abuse feeds off low self-esteem and the same applies with fear of abandonment. Our external experiences are but a reflection of our most dominate inner state.
A deeply fulfilling relationship requires both partners to be open and vulnerable. In order to be open and vulnerable with another, it requires a deep self-love as a foundation. This consists of how you treat yourself (mentally and physically), how you care for yourself, and more importantly how you ‘feel’ about yourself. Your inner talking, that is your dialogue of how you think about yourself, is crucial for this. Being mindful and loving to your self (and others) fosters emotional safety in a relationship. If you’re coming out of a relationship, make the time to work on you as you rebuild yourself. Become all that you desire in another person and begin to enjoy life as you are. Your partner comes when your ready to have a compliment to your life.
Until next time,