Getting Past your Breakup

As relationships end, we often find ourselves alone and lost. When we part from a serious relationship it can be very challenging to get back to our self, shifting away from a we perspective back to an I. In some cases, if there is a lot of conflict, we can feel deeply lost and confused. I was in a long term relationship only to find the excessive conflict take a tole, leading us to parting ways. The following tips greatly helped me heal, shift into closure, and embrace the change.

Stopping doubt

Its important to let go of all those ‘what if’ thoughts. If the relationship would have worked, the outcome would be different. So why argue with reality? This will also stop the endless cycle of those “what if” thoughts in your mind. As you reflect, reflect on all aspects of the relationship, especially if there is a lot of conflict. Often people will overlook the bad and focus on the good when going through the pain. This creates blind spots in the healing leading to repeating patterns.

Timing in relationships is one of the main causes of failure. Often one is triggered from past pain and thereby shuts down in a relationship causing the relationship to become stagnant. This is usually unconscious. However, it serves a point that both parties need to be at the same place together, to be fully open for the relationship to grow and flourish.

The power of reflection

When you go through a breakup its important to take time and reflect on the situation, the relationship, and yourself. This is crucial for getting you back to you again. Often we move out of a relationship only to find another partner that has very similar traits, sort of repeating our experiences. If you want to avoid that – take the necessary time to reflect and heal. This is also how we avoid projecting old pain and hurt onto a future relationship.

One thing that has greatly helped me was making a list of all my serious partners, writing down all that I liked and disliked about each. I included how I treated them and how I felt I was treated from an objective view, without any stories or pain. I then reviewed all the commonalities to uncover where I was repeating similar experiences in my relationships. Personally, I believe we continue to repeat all our experiences through other people until we clear it from our own consciousness. By reflecting on the patterns and healing our wounds we avoid repeating them through others.

Looking at relationships as Mirrors

A person can only reflect that which is inside you. For every “you” turn it around and see where that exists within yourself. You’ve heard the phrase “wherever you go there you are”. If you want to avoid going through same experiences with different people, reflection is crucial for expanding your awareness.

Often we will find, the traits that we are most attracted to in another are traits that are dormant within our self, just waiting to be embraced. On flip side, the traits that trigger us also exist in our unconscious. We must be as willing to embrace the light as well as the darkness within our self. This is how we heal and release all the components of our life that no longer serve us. See the reflection in your partner, observe it and you will find yourself more able to embrace your own authenticity.

Shifting your Perspective

Perspective is everything. When we come out of a long term relationship we are quick to focus on everything that we have lost. What if we instead looked at everything we are gaining?

For myself at first it was all about losing a friend, a home, etc. However, once I shifted to what I was gaining the losses were no longer a concern. I gained peace and freedom from conflict. As I healed, I noticed I became even happier than I was before. This also allowed me to see the situation more objectively and honestly with myself, which was a huge paradigm shift. I realized I wasn’t happy, I was confused by focusing on the problems, one conflict to the next. This opened doors to greater potential and in defining what I want in a partnership.

To free your mind and maintain an open heart, continue to reflect, meditate and/or pray. As you will find, a clear mind is free from pain and an open heart allows you to embrace the love from within. I hope these tips help you with your healing and growth.

Until next time,
J-S

For additional tips, view Getting past your breakup – continued.

 

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